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Helping someone else

If you suspect or know that someone is being abused, controlled, or exploited, you can help — and you can also accidentally make things more dangerous. This page is written for you, not for them. Your own device is probably not being watched, so you can take your time here and come back freely. Their device may be watched, so be careful what you send to it.

Their safety comes first, and their decisions are theirs

The person being abused is usually the best judge of how dangerous their situation is. They may stay far longer than you can understand — because of children, pets, money, immigration status, or a well-founded fear of what leaving triggers. The most useful thing you can offer is patient, judgment-free support for the decisions they make, even when waiting is hard to watch. Pushing them to act on your timeline, or acting for them without their agreement, can escalate the danger.

What can make things worse

  • Confronting the abuser, or letting on that you know. Retaliation usually lands on the survivor, not on you.
  • Pressuring the survivor to leave before they are ready. Leaving is statistically the most dangerous period, and they are usually the best judge of the risk.
  • Sending articles, hotline numbers, or links to their phone. Assume anything on their device can be seen by someone else.
  • Talking about the situation with mutual friends or family who might repeat it.

Practical ways to help

You may be their only safe link to the internet. That makes some kinds of help uniquely yours to give:

  • Do the risky research on your own device: read the guides here, look up local shelters, hotlines, and legal aid, and pass on what you learn in person.
  • Hold things they cannot safely keep at home: copies of documents, spare keys, some cash, a packed bag.
  • Agree on a simple signal or code word that means they need help now.
  • Be concretely available when they decide to leave: a ride, a place to stay, childcare, being reachable that day.
  • Learn the local resources yourself so you can relay them from memory when asked.

Understand what they are navigating

Leaving usually takes weeks or months of preparation, and it rarely happens in a straight line. Reading the stages most people move through will help you recognize where they are and what kind of support fits that moment.